Dec
21

By the Grace of God …

CATEGORIES: Personal

Recently my sister sent me a song via iTunes by Katy Perry .. “By the Grace of God”  The lyrics speak to my heart in many ways and I felt compelled to share.

As many of you know this year has been particularly brutal for me personally.  In early 2014 I learned my husband has been a drug addict for several years.  This discovery and refusal of rehab, I was led to the most painful choices I have ever had to make in my entire life, literally, like my heart was ripped out of my chest, run through a Vitamix and sprinkled out onto a baking sheet over the next 11 months.  The choices are painful, but what’s even more painful is that someone you love so dearly could do this to themselves.

My sister has been a sound voice, encouraging and pillar to me this year.  Well, probably most of my life, but in particular this year she has helped me when I needed it most, listened for countless hours, cried with me, sent me messages of hope, and encouraged me to live outside of my box.

Here are the lyrics ….

Was 27 surviving my return to Saturn
A long vacation didn’t sound so bad
Was full of secrets locked up tight like iron melting
Running on empty, so out of gas …

Thought I wasn’t enough and I wasn’t so tough
Laying on the bathroom floor
We were living on a fault line
And I felt the fault was all mine
Couldn’t take it any more

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn’t gonna let love take me out
That way

I thank my sister for keeping my head above the water
When the truth was like swallowing sand
Now every morning
There is no more mourning oh I
Can finally see myself again

I know I am enough
Possible to be loved
It was not about me
Now I have to rise above
Let the universe call the bluff
Yeah the truth will set you free

By the grace of God
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn’t gonna let love take me out

That way no
There ain’t no
Not in the name of love
In the name of love (in the name of love)
That way
There ain’t no
I’m not giving up

By the grace of God
I picked myself back up
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror)
Looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror)

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn’t gonna let love take me out
That way

I’ve had a lot of time to process all that has transpired and this morning, I was hit with a thought that made me so deeply grateful and realize so clearly God’s hand throughout this whole situation (years of His works are evident to me).  This had been brought up to me before, but this morning it had deeper meaning, when I was thinking of a family with a child who has severe handicaps and how the landscape of their life is so challenging daily; mentally, physically and emotionally.  I was driving and thought if we had conceived a biological child, how they would have been affected mentally and possibly physically by his selfish choice of using, for their entire life!

Suddenly my current situation, although very sad, didn’t appear so dark.  God has given me the beautiful gift of a radiant little sunshine, named Piper Amelia.  Perhaps He placed her into my life just for this specific season of life, knowing what a purpose she would give me to be persistent and stay strong.  She’s healthy, her brain works well, she can walk, dance, talk and eat, did I mention she’s beautiful, inside and out?  I know He has a plan for each of us, and over and over I say “His plan is better than my own for my life.”   I am so blessed … by the grace of God!

As we approach the one year mark to the start of this nightmare, I am a year older, but I’m about 10 years wiser, and I am stronger, so much stronger than I ever imagined possible.  I am more grateful for the little blessings God sprinkles through my day and weeks, and months.  I know who my support system consists of, and I know God has a plan and I trust in it with my entire being.  I am awaiting and watching His plan unfold, patiently and with insane amounts of expectation.  God is good.

 

PS I’d like to note I am not looking for sympathy!  I’m not the only one in a difficult situation, but somehow feel that sharing what I’m going through could be helpful to someone else in a difficult circumstance.  In this social media age, things appear to be perfect on the outside, but often on the inside there’s a much bigger story to be told.  It’s my hope as I share my experiences others benefit more than myself, for the greater good and glory of God.

By the Grace of God

By the Grace of God

Sissy and Ally Mexico 2014

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